Ok let's start the day right!

[Doc]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put 
ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet!

 
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 
I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off!

 
Old age is coming at a really bad time!

 
When I was a child I thought Nap 
Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

 
The biggest lie I tell myself is 
... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 
Lord grant me the strength to 
accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair.  I 
have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.

 
My people skills are just 
fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

 
Teach your daughter how to 
shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

 
If God wanted me to touch my 
toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 
The kids text me "plz" which is 
shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

 
I'm going to retire and live off 
of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.

 
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty 
sure my spouse took it!

 
Even duct tape can't fix stupid 
... but it can muffle the sound!

 
Why do I have to press one for 
English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
Of course I talk to myself, 
sometimes I need expert advice.

 
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

 
At my age "Getting lucky" means 
walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 
Chocolate comes from cocoa which 
is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

 

[nyslowhand]

Funny as hell!!

[philoshop]

A good start to the day is when I put my socks and shoes on, in that order.

Thanks Doc!

[growalot]

OMG. I want to like that 100 times. But Chang wife to spouse....

[Doc]

OMG. I want to like that 100 times. But Change wife to spouse....

Lol ..... Done!

[gfdeputy2]

Yup that is almost ME!!!