Paula

Hey Rev you are no longer a Newbie!

HA

REDNECK FISHERMAN A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?," says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden! "What fish?," replied the redneck. ............ Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

A man who has been drinking for a while. Has to go to the MENS room to relieve himself. After a few minutes there is a hair raising scream from the mens room that echoes all through the pub. A minute later again a hair raising scream come out of the mens room and echoes through out the pub. All the patrons are looking worried and start to leave. The bar tender goes over to the mens and opens the door. He asks ,"Is everything alright?" He hears a moan from one of the cubicles.Then he walks toward the cubicle. He opens the door and looks at the man sitting down. Again he asks are you alright sir? The man says,"Every time I try and get up something grabs and squeezes my balls." The bar tender say to the drunk."Your sitting on the mop bucket!"

Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

that is good, glad you posted it

hello

why would you call back if he hung up?

wonder out of the 600 tickets sold how many of them are acutely hunting, wish i could do it

Hope you haven't done it

I meant, can the hunting be done anywhere other than Holley?

you can hunt anywhere?

sorry haha

i walked to the wrong car while texting this morning, it was nicer than mine so i was bummed

only when i have the money

thats funny

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Ya think!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah,right). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull. It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed shut! Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the water should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement epoxied myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?' She laughing out loud by now...I can hear her as I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to loose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...

Why I Was Fired For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person... I was fired for ordering the cups.

A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went. At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?" His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. A blonde saw a "¿" on her computer screen and asked another blonde, "How do you do that?" She responded . . . "Simple, turn the keyboard upside down!"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

HA

Karpteach Love your new picture

mine was not a bash