Todays (clean) chuckle

[Steve D]

[fasteddie]

[Steve D]

[Steve D]

[Steve D]

[Steve D]

[Grouse]

[GreeneHunter]

[Grouse]

[Grouse]

[fasteddie]

[Grouse]

[Grouse]

Now that's what I call FAITH!

[Grouse]

[GreeneHunter]

[Grouse]

[Grouse]

[Grouse]

An Irishman's first drink with his son:

"While reading an article last night about fathers and the sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

"Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

"I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

"Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

"He didn't. I drank it.

"I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

"In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland 's finest whisky.

"He wouldn't even smell  it. "What could I do but drink it!

"By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!"

[Grouse]

"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him,'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

[Grouse]

A car full of Irish  nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

[Grouse]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the  dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?" 

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

[Grouse]

Mick says to Paddy:  "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

[Grouse]

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

[Grouse]

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

[Grouse]

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree,  then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!