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Todays (clean) chuckle

Water Rat

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.' 

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly.  'Does that mean I can keep the money?'


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 Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

 "What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging  myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

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Finnegin:  My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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7 hours ago, Grouse said:

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs


The fire dept arrives at a pub fully engulfed in flames, donning their equipment they enter the front door and see Sean Murphy sitting at the bar with a pint in his hand. They quickly drag him outside to safety where they inquire how the fire got started. “Damn if I know” says Sean. “The place was on fire when I walked in”.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his microscopic cell phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area. While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses. Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are a consultant,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “How ever did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You drive into my field uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog.”
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