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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________ ________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? __________________________________________________________ ____ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _________________________________ _____________________________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

There is a big difference between being Unfortunate and being a Lazy Leech !

the auto insurance claim is so silly. First off you do not have to purchase insurance. You can post a bond to cover it. Also if you do not own a car you do not have to purchase insurance. Everyone has health. Also the car insurance is a state to state mandate, not a federal mandate. Lots of differences. call me scrooge. we already have health coverage I pay for that the less fortunate get. it is called medicaid.

How can you compare accepting a raise to a group of people who use your children to extort money? Are you serious? There is no parallel here. Give us more money or your kids will suffer, they threaten. Try that with your boss on Monday and let me know how it goes. You can blame the employees along with the union. It was the teachers and their union protesting at the 1% Wall Street rally against the rich. The teachers weren't hiding in shame for all the money they loot from the taxpayers. What do you call teachers in my school district making an average salary of $107K a year for part-time work? I call it greed that even Wall Street can't rival. Our teachers wore their union T'shirts, handed out flyers to parents and started what amounted to a work slow down at our school district when their contract was up for renewal and it was feared they might not get what they wanted. I have to ask, "why does any municipal worker need or deserve a contract". Take a look at the salaries of my school district and tell me the teachers are not to blame. They keep insisting on raises every year and get them. Oh I am sorry a "step increase". Unions were not designed to protect part-time workers making 6 figure salaries working part-time. The teachers are the ones who got their teaching time reduced to 3.3 hours daily, NOT the union. History has shown that you can't pull the "oh I was following orders excuse", and be excused for your behavior. There is nothing from stopping the teachers from requesting a fair deal for the taxpayers, except their lack of ethics. Top School Salaries.pdf Locust Valley Teachers Payroll 2011.pdf

as Bill Engvall says I am not afraid to go back to prison

http://www.mapofthedead.com/ Use this map to figure out your survival game plan.

My daughter just turned 15 and I trust her and her judgment. She is more mature than most of the girls her age. She has recently become interested in boys and has learned that most boys at her age are walking raging hormones. She is not allowed to date until she is 18 and she agrees, although if I had my way she'd be 35 when she goes on her first date. I always tell her that God gave you knees and thumbs for a reason. Use them wisely when necessary. I also plan on blowing up the following picture to poster size and hanging it on my living room wall next to my shotgun when the boys come knocking:

YIKES!! I thought we were supposed to bury the bodies in the swamp. lol

I have 1 turning 21 and my youngest well be 15.I am 5ft 6in 240pounds of very little trust,when it comes to my girls.As said I raised them right and have no fear they well do the right thing.And when a boy comes to pick them up I always make sure they see the heads on the wall,just in case!!!!!!!!!!

I have two daughters. One is 28 and the other 25. Take my advice. Try using this application, or enforcing any of the rules, or even acting like the father that wrote this, and you will never have to worry about what they are doing, because they will both take out restraining orders on you. Raise them right and they will know what to do. If they get to be dating age and you need to use this application, you have already failed miserably as a father.

As the father of a 14 year old daughter I will print that and save it for 5 years when I'll allow her to date. Thank you.

Funny how we can get into such pissing matches over topics but when it comes to friends and family we're all on the same page. It's a good thing..