Hang a Funny One!!

[jjb4900]

Papist and Mr VJP walk into a bar, order a beer and ask for a snack..the Bartender says "sorry guys we don't have any nuts"...they look at each other and say "no problem, we each brought our own".

[Mr VJP]

Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?

A: President Bill Clinton's code name was "Mr. Bush."

[Mr VJP]

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, jjb4900 goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and jjb4900 stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives jjb4900 an ultimatum. The bear tells him that he can either drop to his knees and service him, or the bear will eat his face.

jjb4900 immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and jjb4900 find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, jjb4900 takes an even bigger gun with him and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. jjb4900 gets all excited, gets the bear in his sites and shoots! He looks all around, but there is no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

jjb4900 drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and jjb4900 stumbles back to his cabin.

jjb4900 is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at jjb4900 and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

[Mr VJP]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." 

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Mr VJP]

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

 

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[Mr VJP]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. 
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex. 
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. 
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. 
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. 
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. 
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. 
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. 
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any. 
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.

[Water Rat]

What's the square root of 69 ?

Eight something.

[Water Rat]

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up to me and said " Make love to me like in the movies ". So I turned her over on all fours , stuck it in her a$$ pulled it out , flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.

 

She cried.

 

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

[Lawdwaz]

Keep 'em clean guys...............

 

 

 

And try and post something funny. 

 

After Mr VJP's post were either going to get this thread yanked by the mods because its too dirty or NOT funny.     

[wildcat junkie]

Pa wakes up in the middle of the night in a state of extreme arousal. He reaches over & gives Ma a shake, awakening her.

 

"Hey Ma, will you look at that!" He exclaims. "What do ya reckon we ougt'a do with that?"

 

"Well Pa." She replies. "I reckon you ought ta warsh it wilst it has all the wrinkles ought of it!"

[fasteddie]

Clean it up or the thread goes !

[Pygmy]

I plan to live forever.

So far, so good...

[WNYBuckHunter]

Just so you guys know, putting a dollar sign or other symbol in the middle of a curse word isnt going to fly. We will be lenient on some words, but the worst ones will not be tolerated. Stick to the forum Terms of Service please. If you havent read through them, now would be a good time to.

 

http://huntingny.com/forums/index.php?app=forums&module=extras&section=boardrules

 

[growalot]

Pygmy...why would you go into a mens room to eat lunch???

 

 

Many, many years ago, when I was a mere wisp of a lad, I went into the men's room in a local bar/restaurant..I was in there for lunch

 

[Pygmy]

 

Pygmy...why would you go into a mens room to eat lunch???

 

I knew SOMEONE would pick up on that.. I nearly edited it out..

I should have know that you'd catch it, Growie ..LOL..

Of course I meant to say I was in the RESTAURANT for lunch ..

That was the old Ritz Cafe in Addison, once known as the " Wild West Center of Steuben County"...

There was a partition down the center. The restaurant was on one side and the bar was on the other. The restrooms were on the BAR side, so patrons had to walk through the bar to access the can.

They had wonderful home cooked food there. ( In the RESTAURANT, hehehe) They baked thier own bread, rolls and biscuts.

In the 1960s, daily lunch specials such as chicken & biscuts, stuffed pork chops, meatloaf, etc. cost a buck. A ham sandwich, with about an inch and a half of shaved ham piled on thick slices of homemade bread, cost 50 cents. You could get a dip of mashed potatoes with gravy for a dime...

The Ritz closed and was bought up by a Christian group quite a few years ago.

It's a church now...I'm sure many of the old patrons are rolling in thier GRAVES at the thought of the Ritz being a church...<<grin>>...

[josephmrtn]

Saw this in our local Wal-Mart the other day an thought it was funny

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