Jokes.

[Robinson446]

Lets hear em. any and all. hunting or non-hunting. lets hear them

[Mr VJP]

The Funeral                    > A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee                    > when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the

    > nearby cemetery.

    > A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse

    > about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a

    > solitary man

    > walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were

    > about 200 men walking single file.

    > The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the

    > man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this

    > may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like

    > this. Whose funeral is it?"

    > "My wife's."

    > ''What happened to her?"

    > The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

    > He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    > The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

    > wife when the dog turned on her."

    > A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed

    > between the two men...

    > "Can I borrow the dog?"

    > The man replied, "Get in line."

[Single_shot]

Hahaha...good.

[jasons75]

Great laugh!

[ny hunter]

LOL  .................

[ELMER J. FUDD]

What do fat kids like more than lovin' (editted)............

[Pygmy]

How is the Starship Enterprise like a roll of toilet paper..???

They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons....

[Geno C]

LOL nice

[ELMER J. FUDD]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin,

clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he

heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is

watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird

Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[ny hunter]

Good one!!!

[Elmo]

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: “Picture this. It's cold, you're naked, and you’re hiding inside a refrigerator…”

[Elmo]

Two blondes are out walking when they come across some tracks.

"They look like deer tracks!" says the first blonde.

"No they don't, they look like fox tracks!" argues the second blonde.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Elmo]

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river.

The second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river.

The third man also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the intelligence to cross this river.” And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map then walked across the bridge.

[steve863]

Not exactly a joke, but a funny cartoon.  Hope it doesn't get deleted before at least a few of you see it.  This would be opening day if the deer were the hunters and the humans were the hunted.  Of course this is a none AR or should I say DR unit!  LOL

[ny hunter]

All good thanks guys.

[WNYBuckHunter]

Sorry Steve, couldnt let that one slide. Shoot it to me in an email, I could edit it and repost it.

[steve863]

I knew it was a bit off color, so I have no problem with it being deleted.  Hopefully some who did see it got a kick out of it anyway!

[WNYBuckHunter]

Oh it was funny alright!  ;D

[fasteddie]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a man thing.

[MuzzyLoader]

Good one Eddie!  Real men don't need no stinkin' directions! 

[fasteddie]

Sensitive husband

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two state troopers there. The husband asks if there is a problem.

One of the troopers asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and shows him a picture of his wife.

The trooper says, "I'm sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is great in bed, dances well and is an excellent cook."

[Moosemaple]

A husband and wife are shopping in there local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart,What do you think you're doing? asks the wife.There on sale only $10.00 for 24 cans he replies.Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on with there shopping.A few aisles further on along the wife picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.What do you think you're doing? asks the husband.It's my face cream it makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.Her husband retorts: so does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price. 

[ny hunter]

All good thanks guys......

[MuzzyLoader]

The Theory  of  Intelligence 

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we all know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[fasteddie]

Muzzyloader --- that is one of my all time favorites !  ;D ... ;D ... ;D