Todays (clean) chuckle

[Grouse]

Things You Learn if You Live Long Enough!

 Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

 I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me."

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eye witness.  (Mark Twain)

I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures.  It's my face.

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a nice person.

Sorry that I'm late.  I got here as soon as I wanted to!

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick out one of your own.  I know that now.

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of  rotisserie  chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave!"

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how  much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.  That's seven years in a row, now.

If you drop something when you were younger , you just picked it up.  When you're older and you drop something, you stare at  it for  just a bit contemplating if  you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists.  I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store.

 A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Ever think about that?  No, you only think about yourself.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas.  Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like  you treated her on your first date.  So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver:  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"  Officer, "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook.   (or Instagram or X)

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate!"

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I just burned 1,200 calories.   I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of  your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they've never even seen one of  his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 am.  3AM!!!  Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow!  My house looks great

[Grouse]

[GreeneHunter]

[GreeneHunter]

[GreeneHunter]

[GreeneHunter]

[New York Hillbilly]

On 10/3/2023 at 10:03 PM, fasteddie said:

Boy oh boy does this one hit home for me. My 2016 Ram is a PIA changing bulbs. The first time I faced it I thought I was gonna have to hand in my man card! Luckily, I was successful in changing the bulb, and retained my dignity. 

Edited October 7, 2023 by New York Hillbilly
spelling

[New York Hillbilly]

20 minutes ago, fasteddie said:

The ride home after Golden Corral 

Chris Christie driving? 

Edited October 8, 2023 by New York Hillbilly

[fasteddie]

Corn Syrup

[airedale]

Maybe it is just me but I found this cartridge belt to be a bit funny. The hunting and the bag limits must be good.

Al

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

Time to mess with my buddy 

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[GreeneHunter]

[Enigma]

Italian made and sold here. Warning courtesy of Google translator. I'll do my best. 

[GreeneHunter]

[Water Rat]

[Water Rat]

[Water Rat]

[fasteddie]

Someone told me Patrick Mahomes looks like Darlene from Roseanne and now I can’t unsee it .

[fasteddie]

[New York Hillbilly]

11 hours ago, Water Rat said:

Looks more like he got caught by the trap while stealing the bait! lol

[GreeneHunter]

[fasteddie]