Hang a Funny One!!

[Lawdwaz]

I'll go first..................

 

Why Parents Drink

 

 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his

bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to

'Dad.'

 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with

Mom and you.

 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older

than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

 

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the

whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

 

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to

know your grandchildren.

 

Love,

Your Son John

 

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

 

 

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a

Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

 

 

I love you.

 

 

Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[Culvercreek hunt club]

[Pygmy]

I've been meaning to procrastinate about my honeydo list, but I haven't got around to it.

[Pygmy]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac ?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[Lawdwaz]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac ?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

That'd probably be funny if I ran those words by Google, hang on a second.....................

 

[Pygmy]

A man joined a monastary..

He took a vow of silence for five years, after which he would be allowed to say two words.

At the end of five years he went before the head monk and said " Bed hard"..

He went back into silence for another five years. At the end of second five years he went before the head monk and said " Food bad"..

He went into silence for another five years. At the end of his third five years he went before the head monk and said " I quit".

The head monk replied...

" That comes as no surprise. All you've done for the last 15 years is BITCH"...

[Pygmy]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Pole were sitting at the bar discussing old times.

The Italian said, " When I was a young man in Brooklyn, We used to hang out at a place called GUIDO'S. You'd buy two drinks, and the bar would buy the third. Every third drink was free"...

The Irishman said, " When I was growing up in Boston, we used to hang out at a place called O'Malleys. You'd buy a drink, and the house would buy the next drink. Every OTHER drink was free."

The Polock said.."That's nothing...When I was a young man in Buffalo, we used to hang out in a place called Kowalski's. The first drink was free, the second drink was free, ALL the drinks were free. And THEN you could go out in the back room and get LAID."

The Italian and the Irishman expressed thier disbelief.

The Polock said, " No, I SWEAR it's true...My sister used to do it every Saturday night !"...

[wildcat junkie]

Ma & Pa were sittin' on the porch swing one starry evening & before long, they both got to fellin' a little "frisky".

 

They went into the bedroom where pa quickly disrobed & jumped onto the bed naked, rarin' to go.

 

Ma, like most women felt the need to "freshen up" so she went into the bathroom, performed a few quick "personal hygiene" tasks & slipped on her most alluring nightie.

 

While she was doing this, she was thinking about her heart condition & felt it would be wise to remind Pa.

 

As she walked into the bedroom she said. "Now Pa, don't forget I have acute angina."

 

Pa squinted his eyes a little & replied. "I sure hope so Ma cause them titties of yourn are downright ugly!"

Edited January 14, 2015 by wildcat junkie

[Bow Addict]

Every one on here follows all NYS game laws!

[Pygmy]

 

Every one on here follows all NYS game laws!

 

It got a chuckle out of me..hehehehe....

[G-Man]

[steve863]

.

[ants]

"Hang a Funny One"   I saw that written on a mens room wall once, right above the urinal.

[wildcat junkie]

"Hang a Funny One" I saw that written on a mens room wall once, right above the urinal.

The "Blue Bird" in Bloomington, In has a large, prominant sign above the metal trough that serves as a high volume urinal.

"Remember, the hands that pick the cigarette butts out of the urinal also put the ice in your drinks"

There was not a single cigarette butt in that urinal.

[Pygmy]

 

.

 

That is my favorite..I LOVE a happy ending...

[Pygmy]

 

The "Blue Bird" in Bloomington, In has a large, prominant sign above the metal trough that serves as a high volume urinal.

"Remember, the hands that pick the cigarette butts out of the urinal also put the ice in your drinks"

There was not a single cigarette butt in that urinal.

Many, many years ago, when I was a mere wisp of a lad, I went into the men's room in a local bar/restaurant..I was in there for lunch, because I was much too young to drink.

I'll never forget some of the graffitti written on the wall above the urinal...

One was " Stand closer, that ain't no WINCHESTER you're holding"..

Another one was " Please don't throw cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light"..

Another one was.." Please don't pee on the floor. The janitor has holes in his shoes"....

[philoshop]

[philoshop]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was cruising along the campground in the 'Popemobile' when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He
found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."


As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the #### was that guy ?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all kinds of wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have a lot of wisdom, but he doesn't know #### about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one...?"

[jjb4900]

a child awakens to the sound of his parents having sex, the child runs into the room and screams "Daddy leave Mommy alone you're hurting her" the parents calm the child down and explain to him that they were making a baby............hours later the Father returns home from work only to find the child crying hysterically, the Father asks the child "what's wrong?" to which the child replies "remember that baby you made this morning? well after you went to work, the Mailman came over and ate it"

[Water Rat]

It takes your food 7 seconds to go from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about 1 trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something , you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[Mr VJP]

[Mr VJP]

[Mr VJP]

[Mr VJP]

[Mr VJP]

An old man was asked:
' At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. 
Better to spill half an ounce of Bourbon than to forget where you keep the bottle"