Jokes.

[fasteddie]

The Harley davidson Mechanic and the Doctor

The Harley mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor

of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

                   

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike...when the mechanic shouted across the garage. . .

 

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked  over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag

and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.  So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic............

"Try doing it with the engine running......

[MuzzyLoader]

   

A chicken farmer  went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and  orders a glass of champagne.

  The woman perks up and says,  "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

   

"What a  coincidence,” he said. “This is a special day I'm celebrating."

  "This is a special day for me,  too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

   

"What a  coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What  are you celebrating?"

  "My husband and I have been trying  to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

   

"What a  coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last flock  of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

  "That's great!" says the  woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

  "I switched cocks," he  replied.

   

"What a coincidence," she  said.

   

[ny hunter]

Whats the difference out laws and in laws?      OUTLAWS ARE WANTED.      What do you do when you miss your in laws?  RELOAD! 

[ELMER J. FUDD]

Look familiar?

[fasteddie]

[tt]An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1:00 A.M. and is asked[/tt]

[tt]where he is going at this time of night.[/tt]

[tt]The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the[/tt]

[tt]effects it has on the human body."[/tt]

[tt]The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that  lecture at this[/tt]

[tt]time of night?"[/tt]

[tt]The man replies, "That would be my wife" ![/tt]

[MuzzyLoader]

Oh Eddie... how I remember those days [nights]  :'(

[Paula]

Dentist

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.

I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go

deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time

for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,

and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty

minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a

very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled

without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey,

and show him.

[fasteddie]

This sounds too real to be a joke .................

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[fasteddie]

[table]    [tr][td]  I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

[/t][/t][/td][/tr][/table]

[ny hunter]

Now thats funny.Sad but funny......

[ELMER J. FUDD]

Hear the one about the old man at the gym? He asked his trainer ''I want to impress the young girls, what machine should I use?"

The trainer replied " The ATM"

Hardy har har!

[Dr Ignominious Death]

Why are physicists never constipated?

 

They can work anything out with a pencil.

[hunterman7956]

Cop is hidden by a stop sign waiting for someone to go through it . After a few minutes a car comes speeding up to the sign slows down and continues on . The cop catches up to the guy a few blocks later and tells him that he didn't come to a full stop .The driver complaines that there really is no difference and if the cop can prove it he will gladly take the ticket . So the cop tells the driver to get out of the car and starts to beat the driver with his nightstick over the head , after a few minutes he asks the driver "Do you want me to stop or slow down "

[ants]

A guy takes a job at a sex shop. One day the owner approaches him and says " Im leaving you alone for a while, while I go out....I expect some good sales from you while Im gone" ..After a while, a brunette woman  walks up to the counter and asks the man  "how much is that big, long, black sex toy you have there??" The man replies "thats top quality, made of the finest materials ma'am...its $100.00" The brunette buys it. A short time later a red head walks up to the counter and asks the man " how much is that big , long red sex toy you have there?" again he replies " thats top quality, made of the finest materials....its $100.00. The red head buys it. Soon after a blond walks up to the counter and asks the man " how much for that big, long silver sex toy you have there?" The man replies "thats top quality, made of the finest materials ma'am....its $100.00. The blond buys it. 

 

When the owner gets back, he asks the guy..." so how were sales while I was out?" and the man replies..."they were great! I sold the big black sex toy, the big red sex toy and my Thermos!!""

 

[Paula]

Ha

[deerpassion]

blonde walks into to the salon wearing headphones... she walks up to the receptionist n asks " how long will it take to cut my hair?"   she replies " 15 minutes"   ... she says no thanks and walks out... Next day the blonde goes into the salon and asks, " how long will it take to cut my hair today?.. reply " 10 minutes"... no thanks and walks out... next day blonde walks into the salon and asks, "how long will it take to cut my hair today?"  reply. " 5 minutes" , blonde says ok.. sits down in the chair, takes a deep breath and takes off her headphones... the stylist starts cutting her hair and halfway through the blonde passes out n falls to the floor... "what the hell says the stylist!"  she picks up the blondes headphones off the table and hear's " Breath in , Breath out, and breath in , breath out...... 

[Twax10]

Obama

(Drops mic)

[Pygmy]

Proctology...It's not all it's cracked up to be....

[Carbonelement]

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,complaining
to her husband that her boobs are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs. How long will this take?" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replies. she stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Edited July 1, 2013 by Carbonelement

[Carbonelement]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from
work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

[deerpassion]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's

house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her

daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the

daughter-in-law

answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it

makes me

happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home

from

work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the

way

home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,

showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally

her

husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Haha, that's a good one !

[ELMER J. FUDD]

A communist, a muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar...so the bartender says "Hello Mr. President! "

Edited October 14, 2014 by ELMER J. FUDD

[DirtTime]

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

He says; "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added 
 

[Dom]

Conserve energy Fart in a Jar

[turkeyfeathers]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?

 

Because they taste funny !