you guys with daughters

[Paula]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,

job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________ ________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________________ ____

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers

are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

_________________________________ _____________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

[ncountry]

HA .I like it, maybe I will have to use that in another 13 years.lol.

[Lawdwaz]

As the father of a 14 year old daughter I will print that and save it for 5 years when I'll allow her to date. Thank you.

[Grouse]

I have two daughters. One is 28 and the other 25. Take my advice. Try using this application, or enforcing any of the rules, or even acting like the father that wrote this, and you will never have to worry about what they are doing, because they will both take out restraining orders on you.

Raise them right and they will know what to do. If they get to be dating age and you need to use this application, you have already failed miserably as a father.

[bubba]

amen grouse mine are 24 and 21. My youngest is engaged. She lays down the rules and he says yes dear. I still say they are not engaged as he has not spoken to me about it yet. He is a hard working guy and they get along well. I could do much worse.

[Grouse]

_{A smart father realizes there ain't much you can do about it anyway. Once a kid is 18, the government will protect them from you.}

[ny hunter]

I have 1 turning 21 and my youngest well be 15.I am 5ft 6in 240pounds of very little trust,when it comes to my girls.As said I raised them right and have no fear they well do the right thing.And when a boy comes to pick them up I always make sure they see the heads on the wall,just in case!!!!!!!!!!

[ncountry]

.And when a boy comes to pick them up I always make sure they see the heads on the wall,just in case!!!!!!!!!!

YIKES!! I thought we were supposed to bury the bodies in the swamp. lol

[First-light]

I have two daughters. One is 28 and the other 25. Take my advice. Try using this application, or enforcing any of the rules, or even acting like the father that wrote this, and you will never have to worry about what they are doing, because they will both take out restraining orders on you.

Raise them right and they will know what to do. If they get to be dating age and you need to use this application, you have already failed miserably as a father.

Thank you. Isn't that the truth!

[Deerthug]

My daughter just turned 15 and I trust her and her judgment. She is more mature than most of the girls her age. She has recently become interested in boys and has learned that most boys at her age are walking raging hormones. She is not allowed to date until she is 18 and she agrees, although if I had my way she'd be 35 when she goes on her first date. I always tell her that God gave you knees and thumbs for a reason. Use them wisely when necessary. I also plan on blowing up the following picture to poster size and hanging it on my living room wall next to my shotgun when the boys come knocking:

[bubba]

as Bill Engvall says I am not afraid to go back to prison

[Paula]

its great that you guys have raised your daughters right and you trust them. you need not to trust the guys!

[First-light]

Love that Deerthug!

[GreeneHunter]

I have two daughters. One is 28 and the other 25. Take my advice. Try using this application, or enforcing any of the rules, or even acting like the father that wrote this, and you will never have to worry about what they are doing, because they will both take out restraining orders on you.

Raise them right and they will know what to do. If they get to be dating age and you need to use this application, you have already failed miserably as a father.

Agree

[ny hunter]

Deerthug that is awesome!!!!

[eagle rider]

Awesome post. I will be using that.

[Rev Ev]

I don't have kids, but as a youth pastor I got a huge kick out of it. I will be passing it along...

[Deerthug]

Love that Deerthug!

Deerthug that is awesome!!!!

I don't deserve the credit for that. My daughter actually found the picture online and emailed it to me. I have it as my wallpaper on my iPhone, iPad and laptop.

[MountainHunter]

We have a daughter who is turning 16 shortly so all of this makes perfect sense to me. I can read these boys like a book. I used to be one!

[erussell]

My wife has been teaching my ten yr old all the pressure points. Its great till she wants to practice on me. The one under the nose, arm pit and behind the ear really hurt. I say forget all that, you grab his junk and twist you'll get his attention reall quick!!!!

[Fantail]

When your daughters date arrives, you can somehow be in the middle of cleaning your guns, this is quite effective.

You can discuss things like knowing how to dispose of a carcass, how you helped her improve her groups at 200 yards.

[tughillhunter]

I still have a lil time yet..... My lil girl is only 9. But, I have my lil speech already planned out

[Deerthug]

I still have a lil time yet..... My lil girl is only 9. But, I have my lil speech already planned out

It will be here before you know it.

[ny hunter]

I agree i remember bringing them home from the hospital,and now there are grown up.

Edited April 11, 2012 by ny hunter

[ants]

Yeah i have 2 little girls one 12 and one just turned 16. The 16 year old just started "dating" a kid who just rubs me the wrong way. He's polite and respectful enough but its just something.You know how it is when you've been around for a while. About a month ago I had to set him streight on something and the next day he gave my girl the "lets just be friends" thing. which was cool with me, but now they're back on. Im not too worried because they dont drive yet and he knows Im watching him.

One thing thats fun....when he's over I let him catch me staring at him then I look away real fast.