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Only a Man would attempt this

fasteddie

By fasteddie,
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fasteddie Grand Master

fasteddie

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    [table][tr][td]    ONLY A MAN

WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

[/t]  [table][tr][td]               

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!   

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

      A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:        a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.       

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.        All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.   

[*]  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I had no control over the drooling.  Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

      I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!  [/t][/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]

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Geno C Newbie

Geno C

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OMG LOL!!

its a guy thing i guess... but in no way would i try it on myself LOL. i loughed when he said he wanted to make sure it worked before giving it to his wife. and you can not lie looking at something with 2 AA batteries would strike and question as to how storing can it really be lol.

My wife wants one in the worst way to keep in her purse... i thought they were illegal in NY but if it stops one mugger and can save my loved ones life its worth it...

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Karpteach Newbie

Karpteach

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OHHH MY GODDDDDD. I cracked up so hard that i got a headache. My wife questions my laughter and like a jackass I re-read this God forsaken story. I could not stop laughing for 10 minutes  screwing up the story several times and having to read the funny parts again. My head is killing me. I feel so sorry for this dude. Never mind the cat.

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Doewhacker Newbie

Doewhacker

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This story hit a little close to home for me, I had to try out my dogs e-collar when it came in the mail. It has a dial where you can control up to three collars at once, needless to say when I first tried it it was set to work a different collar so I felt nothing. Being a smart guy I thought I would turn up the dial to 3 and try again, this time I switched to a new collar setting..still nothing. So on my final attempt I cranked it up some more and let my self have it, I screamed like a girl and dropped the thing on the floor...much to the delight of my wife and kids who were looking on in amusement and at this point cracking up at the sight of a grown man lighting up like a x-mas tree. Lesson learned, have your wife hold the collar while you are attempting to tune in a electric shock collar. TRUST ME!  ;D

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WhiteTailBuckDeer Newbie

WhiteTailBuckDeer

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HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I Did the same thing with my dogs shock collar... needless to say I never put it back on him. Poor little guy  :D . I also found out how to make a taser out of a disposible camera with flash. Figured the same thing "what could this little thing do" tried it out and OMG!!! That thing packs a punch!!!

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fasteddie Grand Master

fasteddie

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I bought one of those Electric Fly Swatter Tennis Racquets at Harbor Freight a couple years ago . The directions say not to touch the wire mesh when holding the button . I tried it on a couple flys and not much happened . I figured it wasn't working and touched it with my finger while holding the button down with my other hand . Kaaa-zaaaaap ! Holy crap . That bugger puts out a charge ! Lesson Learned - follow the instructions !

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steve863 Community Regular

steve863

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Wow Doe, why did I have a feeling you would add something good to this thread?  What would have been even funnier is if one of the kids picked the remote control up and started zapping you some more while you were on the ground. LOL  Or maybe the dog could have pounced on it and kept hitting the button with his paw.  Now that would have been a sight to behold!  LOL

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Doewhacker Newbie

Doewhacker

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I did the dog collar thing too. My dog just doesn't care, she figured out that it stops once she crosses the line of the radio wire.

We have the underground one in the yard too, our dog busted through it twice and then we had it turned up. He got zapped good once and hasn't given us a problem since. Kinda like me.

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steve863 Community Regular

steve863

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Yeah, wives usually have some devious plans.  Getting zapped by a dog collar could actually be considered getting off easy with some of them.  LOL

She mentioned where she was going to place the collar on me when I was sleeping and I got scared, I now sleep with one eye open. lol

Maybe she is trying to tell you that you need a bit of a boost down there?  Just kidding Doe!  8)

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MuzzyLoader Newbie

MuzzyLoader

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Yeah, wives usually have some devious plans.  Getting zapped by a dog collar could actually be considered getting off easy with some of them.  LOL

She mentioned where she was going to place the collar on me when I was sleeping and I got scared, I now sleep with one eye open. lol

  ???  Hey Doe... I sleep with one eye open ever since my wife saw the video of the grandmother clerk shoot the robber in the crotch with a .38cal pistol.  (My wife has a .38, and she told me, "Watch out!").  :'(

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